The Quiet Side of Growth: Why Transformation Often Feels Lonely
Picture this: You’re so excited to lose weight that you tell all your friends you’re going on a diet. Your friends congratulate you on your decision and tell you that they support you. They’re genuinely happy for you! A week later, they invite you out for girls’ night - they’re going to your favorite Mexican restaurant for margaritas. You say no, and they say it’s okay. A month later, you’re still dieting and you’ve lost 1o pounds! But you had to turn down margaritas and late nights out. You invited your girls to the gym but they don’t like working out or they don’t want to stay the full hour. They don’t seem as excited anymore when you tell them about your workouts or your weight loss. Six months go by, and you realize you haven’t seen them in a long time. They don’t ask you to girls’ night anymore. The reality that you are alone hits.
Sound familiar?
This is the part of transformation that no one talks about.
Everyone has a point in their journey where they must decide between two paths - their old life and their new one. It’s very scary to leave the familiarity of old friends, an old job, or a relationship for the unknown. For many, what sparks lasting change is that the suffering of staying the same becomes so unbearable to the person that they would rather suffer through the change itself.
I’m not going to sugar coat it. Transformation is never easy, no matter how you are transforming. I discuss this side of it in small, regular doses with my clients to try to prepare them for their journey and to offer them the support they may need when they feel misunderstood by the people closest to them. Your changing interests and needs will cause ripples in many areas of your life. Once you begin to prioritize yourself, you may need to cut ties with people due to your desire to reach a particular goal or lead a different lifestyle. It may happen naturally as you say “no” to things that do not align with your goals.You will feel loss and sadness over this. After all, you have chosen to grow while other people are choosing to stay the same or grow in their own, different way. There is nothing wrong with either of these paths, it is just part of life.
The upside? For all the people you lose, there are just as many waiting to meet you on the other side. There are just as many people going through the same losses as you, with similar goals, and hoping to find friends just like you! You just have to find them. Sometimes that takes some time and effort! Joining groups, participating in forums and discussions, taking classes, etc. can all lead to finding your new people.
Putting yourself out there with this loss fresh may feel difficult. So I invite you to identify and sit with those feelings, but not for too long. If you are someone that tends to ruminate (like me), give yourself a timeline. Allow yourself to dive deep into this phase of loneliness - journal, make art, cry - but only for a specific amount of time. Then in a few weeks, take that leap - join that group, take that class, and most importantly, say hello to someone new. You may have just found the gym partner you hoped for or the person that chooses healthy restaurants. You may have found someone also looking for a friend that’s on a similar path as you.
One of my favorite movie quotes of all time:
“So now, all alone or not, you gotta walk ahead. Thing to remember is if we're all alone, then we're all together in that too.” - Patricia (P.S. I Love You)